Generations of expectation: Do maternal instincts really exist?
I have sat in front of the pc trying to write this post for ages now. I have started, deleted, started, deleted and am starting again.
You see, it’s really personal.
My truth is I did fall in love with Pickles at the first touch of her skin on my body. It was love at first sight. Blood soaked and just seconds old we were bound by an eternal link only mother and child would ever understand. However in the following weeks exhaustion took over and that ‘instinctual motherly skillset’ that every woman is apparently born with, didn’t appear.
After an incredible pregnancy, and pretty straight forward labour (if you can call 5 hours and the use of ventouse straight forward), Pickles was born. At 6 pounds exactly she was just perfect. When we finally got to see her all clean and laying in her basinet, I stared at the most beautiful sight in the world. I was in love. Wasn’t I? So why did I find the next 4 weeks so hard? And why was I diagnosed with borderline Post Natal Depression at just 8 weeks?
I spent two horrible nights in hospital after Pickles was born. Why was it horrible? It had nothing to do with my baby daughter and everything to do with the speed in which everything happened from falling pregnant to labour and thereon. The blur that whizzed past me everyday kept me from understanding my true feelings as a new Mum and interrupted my bond with my baby girl.
It wasn’t until much much later. In fact it was only recently after a dear friend of mine gave birth to her baby daughter 4 weeks ago that it suddenly dawned on me. I now understand those feelings of sadness and particularly guilt.
During the first 3 weeks of Pickles life Daddy did almost all of the nappy changes. I couldn’t bare them. He bathed her, he tickled her, he smiled at her, he talked to her and he consoled her. I fed her. Pickles and I only just got the hang of this breast feeding gig only for me to end with Mastitis. So after 6 weeks out came the bottles.
Guilt set in again. I was already feeling confused as to why, by the end of her first week of life I would sometimes stand above her Moses basket and feel nothing but exhaustion. Where is the love? Has it gone?
We trundled on and I started to change more nappies. I went in the room when Daddy bathed her. I even took over consoling her sometimes. The feelings I had were hard to explain back then and I don’t think Daddy or anyone else could either. I just felt, strange. Was this how Motherhood really started. What happened to the instant bond? Is this what ‘not bonding’ with your daughter feels like? Why am I failing at this?
My head swam every day with euphoria and my body sank with exhaustion. But I loved her! I loved every tiny little piece of her. I knew that. She is my daughter and I will protect her from everything for the rest of my life. I will give her everything she needs. I will exhaust myself doing whatever it takes to ensure she is happy and healthy. I will love her with the deepest parts of my heart and make her smile with all the rest.
So why did I feel guilty. Why did I sometimes hear her wake from sleep and all I could do was drop my head and close my eyes with a deep sigh.
I carried this guilt for 16 months and everyday attacked myself with it. Trying desperately to understand those feelings, which still creep in every now and then, was my fixation for a long time. I didn’t understand them or understand the cause until finally it dawned on me. It was generations and generations of expectation.
For years my mother would say. “Being a Mother is all about instinct. Being a mother comes naturally, that’s why women have babies. I did it, your Grandma did it. And her Grandma did it”. Thank god I thought during pregnancy. I will have this magical toolbox appear once Pickles is born. I will be ready and waiting with my instincts and everything will be peachy.
It wasn’t. It isn’t. It never will be just instincts that get me by as a Mother. It took my best friend to give birth and share her feelings, those same feelings I had for me to realise. They resonated inside me, gurgled away for awhile and then I understood. She felt the same exhaustion and the same fear of failure that I did. That pressure put on us to naturally become Mothers and use our ‘programmed instinct’ was greater than the exhaustion of being a new Mum. The pressure to instantly cope and know what to do as a Mother was what was confusing me all those months ago.
Why was I not coping with changing her nappies? Because I was terrified of doing it wrong and failing her.
Why would I drop my shoulders and sigh when I heard her wake from a nap? Because I was exhausted and was terrified of failing her.
Why did I struggle consoling her when she was crying? Because I didn’t ‘instinctively’ figure out what was wrong and ached when she wasn’t happy?
And why did I ever misinterpret all the above as not bonding or being madly in love with her? Because I had been told for years that I would ‘intuitively’ be a Mother when I had children. It ‘just happens’ and you know what to do. But it didn’t happen and I didn’t know instinctively what to do.
Being a Mum isn’t about instinct or intuition. It is about creating a relationship, building a bond and creating life with your children. It is constant work. It is sometimes exhausting and it is definitely unpredictable. But go with the flow rather than expect that magical toolbox to appear and the ride is so much smoother.
It has taken me 16 months to learn what I know about Mothering and in the years to come my experience will never reach the boundaries of what we can learn as parents. I know now that this ‘instinctive mothering’ doesn’t exist. It was this expectation of women to just be ‘natural mothers’ that confused my issues way back then and made me feel guilty, scared and unsure. It was never about not falling in love with Pickles and it was never about not building a bond.
Intuition, well, I like to call it experience. It is not just our babies that are learning at a rapid rate, it is us too. Bonds are made, not expected and most definately don’t just appear.
For me it is with experience and experimentation and a lot of flexibility that I will make a great Mum. Pickles is leading the way and I am her student. Our bond grows mutually everyday and everyday I am surprised with a new challenge. However, I will never misjudge myself so harshly again. Pickles and I are doing the hard work, not some magical ‘intuition’ and I will never take that away from her or myself again.
3 Comments
YOU WILL make a GREAT MUM. With first born, i think I was anxious ALL the time as i had no experience just like you. I had a feather next to her cot and would hold it to her nose when she was sleeping to check if she was breathing – I was that inexperienced. You are so right – bonds are made and they do not magically appear at birth. Have fun with Pickles and Keep Bondin’
Hey Kestrel,
Thanks so much for your support and your comments. It’s great to have outside opinion. I love the feather thing, I wasn’t clever enough to do that but I did stand for minutes just watching for the breathing. It’s just so incredible how time and just a little experience changes your confidence.
Do come back again.
Jay-marie
My partner also changed first nappies, I could hardly move after my c-section. He got first bath as well.
I was an anxious mess for the next 4 years, after that I actually started to feel I could enjoy my son they way I always wanted too.
The first things we should be told as new mum’s
1. Look after yourself first, and everything will extend outwardly from there.
2. No, it doesn’t come naturally, but you will get used to it, (can’t say when though).
I am only learning now at 7 and 3/4′s years of age to no longer feel guilty about my choices as a mum. We are born to do our best for our children and that definately comes naturally, we have to allow ourselves to be human and know we made the best choice at the time.